there's no catharsis or relief. we do get a few moments of joy for Jude but it's quickly taken away to make the readers feel even worse for him. there's no growth, no attempt at showing resilience. just throwing you into this despair and making you feel like everything is hopeless. i get it, right. some people don't make it through not because of who they are but because of the circumstances that affected them. however, i just think it feels hollow and too straightforward. it doesn't explore the nuances of how life is. Jude's trauma feels exaggerated and detached from reality. sometimes, it felt almost unbelievable that he's coming across another bad person again. i get it that in real life, people who have gone through trauma usually attract horrible people in their lives but this was not the case for Jude. it seemed like evil people just find him randomly rather than him being self-destructive (a symptom of trauma). it felt contrived. Jude was stripped of his agency and he became this figure who only exists to endure pain. he didn't feel like a real person that i could actually care about. he was a person whose defining trait what was he's been through rather than the author possibly exploring how this is part of their complex humanity. trauma became Jude's identity rather than just a part of him that he tries to overcome. maybe it wouldn't have defined him if he wasn't relentlessly traumatised but i don't even think his constant suffering is needed even if Yanagihara wanted the ending to be the way it is. characters don't need to be relatable. they just need to reflect real and consistent human complexity and flaws.

i was tired of the themes of helplessness. there were no glimpse of hope. it just doesn't seem like it would be helpful to soo many people who are struggling with mental health. was it not written with them in mind? a lot of them are probably actively asking for help and trying to be better and this book is antithetical to the journey of those people. who was this book written for? those who don't have as big of problems as Jude? it wasn't a good enough portrayal and this shouldn't be the book those people are reading. it's also like reminding those who are struggling of the darker periods of their life. it doesn't need to end with everyone being happy and things working out but maybe a little reprieve rather than a constant pull towards despair might have said something more meaningful. trauma is way more complex. there's also moments of hope, resilience, and humour.

it was exhausting and at times, desensitising which i don't think i should feel for a novel that is often celebrated for its deep exploration of human suffering. i didn't find meaning. this book is so long that i don't know how Yanagihara managed to only explore its broader themes in such a shallow and repetitive way.

it's heavy-handed, melodramatic, and lacking the subtlety, authenticity, depth, and layered dynamics that would have made it way more powerful.